As I grow older, I am learning more about who I am, and why I feel so conflicted inside. At times, I remember things from my life that I never remembered before, and I wonder what else my mind has repressed.
Watching the news in most houses means an entire family, comfortably together in front of the screen, learning of tragic or controversial things that happen to people. It always seems like those things go on in other places, and happen to other families.
With me, I felt like that too. There were those families that were "bad", the father was violent, the mother was absent. The kids were dropout druggies.
How long did I go on believing that we were safe from that?
I both commend and resent my mother from doing all she did to protect my brother and I from witnessing or becoming victim to my father's violence. My whole life, I believed that my parents were good people, and that they went through a divorce because they simply weren't in love anymore. Now that I'm older, I'm able to be more perceptive, and also can handle learning more about my life.
My father was abusive, and often raised a hand against my mother. If I was ever hurt as a child, I don't remember. I remember lots of fighting, and trying to be the peacemaker, bribing them with my stuffed animals to stop. I also remember crying for no reason at times.
Many years ago, in fifth or sixth grade, my father was arrested for attempting to strangle my mother in my own house. I saw it happen, I saw my brother take on way more responsibility than he ever should have in an instant. That whole experience, every word, every scene, I blocked from my memory for six years, suddenly remembering everything last year. I remember the conversation that occurred before the assault, I remember the name of the acrobat show we had just come back from.
How many other things are locked up in my mind, setting up future obstacles for me when I finally feel like I'm getting somewhere?
My brother is being accused by his wife of domestic violence. My brother, my non-blood brother, who understands me, who accepts me, who loves me, and is willing to do anything do protect me. I feel closer to my brother than anyone else in the world. And now he's being turned into something I never want to see. Am I really that bad of a judge of character? What else am I blind to? Or, who?
I'm really starting to question my sanity. I want to sleep, and pretend that this all never happened. But I have experienced apathy before, and it is definitely not worth it. But how can I trust anymore? How can I ever look at a man, and be willing to do anything for him, and expect him to do the same? How can I know that when he raises his hand, it will be touching my lips and not striking my face?
Relationships- where do I go from here? Beyond my mistrust of men, how can I be in a relationship and not be able to give one hundred percent of myself to the other person? If I love someone, I want to be able to love them back. I want to be able to present a sane, confident person. I don't want them to get caught up in fixing a broken, mistrustful person. That's not fair to them.
